The days

Of siblings and parenthood

In SOTL, Zen won over the lives of his parents. He ended his prized winnings with a slit of the throat. The question is: for what purpose was such an acted performed. We do know that there were major conflicts within the family and acts of violence were thus well innoculated in their upbringing.Still, its totally wrong and unthinkable for the twins to commit murder through such morbit means. Its just not their style. In later events, we see them delivering their preys though temptations and mental breaks. They coercion their targets to eventual suicide. Thats their style. My guess is, at the age of 6, both zen and zon were too young and thus the only means they could manage was direct murder. This is totally unacceptable because of the lack of style and finese.

Or was it because it was too difficult to force suicide out of both pop and mom, considering the circumstances then? It is indeed difficult to do so, or at least when I had my share of an attempt, it didn't quite work out. Infact, even when the conditions such as the mental state of the subject is favourable to commiting such an act, making one end his or her life isn't an easy task.

It was January 2004. I returned home with everything planned out. From the first step of inducing a hightened state of anxiety, to the intermitten play of mind and then the final blow, I had it all rehearsed. It all went well initially. My mother plunged into a state of mental breakdown, made rather obvious by her irrational speech, uncontrolled tone and behaviour. She did claim that she will commit suicide eventually. I thought I have done the job. But truth is, it remained a claim. Making her generate such a thought of suicide was only part of it. When she left home for a week. I couldn't help but believe that she had actually went along with suicide. Much to my dismay, it didn't fall through. I believe fear - of death - was the major obstacle. In her mind it was probably all go, but fear held her back. Do note that fear of death is quite the opposite of the desire to live.

Had my plan fall though then and there, without later interruption from my father, things would be all fine by now. I reckon that it will take a week for us to get use to managing the daily chores without and additional burden around. A month or two to tide through the emotional setback from the lost of a parent is quite realistic. Two years later in the present, there will not be a resurface of the problem, no, the infestation. Considering her age of 54 now, it will be another decade till her pity life expire on her. 5 yrs for elyse and me to step into our individual lives, seperate from my mom's destructive presence.But i have my youngest sister to worry about.

I have long went beyond hatred for the witch. At the present moment, I feel myself falling beyond despise as well. Its becoming impossible to conjure a word to depict my intense negative impression of her. A person like her, who blatently defies human social behaviour and even the most natural of inate maternal love, should not exist at all. Not as a living being, not as an entity and infact not at all in any form. What now? Guide me Zente, like you guided zen and zon who were the shepherds of your religion.

posted by zente @ 7:27 AM